Posted 5:04 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
=================the fallen du gu qiu bai==========================
As memories of an unexpected failure fades away, a lingering bitterness about the defeat remains. It probes the heart, stenches the mind and reminds one of humility.
Self confidence gone wrong would be termed as arrogance. And you can say that this was what went wrong for me. Failure to suppress that arrogance caused the downfall of thy.
Thou shall learn to be humble, and as from today, thou has learnt, that humbleness exists in several forms, in which the actions, the words, the body language. Thou thought one's words were humble.
One never knew it had infiltrated thou's actions and body language. One is too shamed and torn to talk about this topic.

From today onwards, one would engage in humble conversation, humble expressions and humble postures. period.

Posted 6:24 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
July 17th, Wednesday

Finally the nationals are over for me. Well, it so happens that all's over. Over. Gone. Perished.

It had been a pretty good year, considering on monday 15th july, my chinese high captain Juncheng got 3rd, and Minghui got 7th with 3.6m, and NEARLY crossed 3.8m. His freaking elbow barely touched the bar, but it was all it took to fall off the hook. Anyway, there were upsets though. Sean got second with 3.8m, and Guocai first with 4.15m. Phew, close shave, my record still stands though. *Hehx* Anyways, Desmond was rather pissed and upset that he got 6th cos of his attempts. And some issue abt sean and him over a gal *rolls eyes*, and thus bringing up the issue of Sean being better than him in everything, which, of course, is not true.

So that's all for day 1 of nationals polevault, day 2 contained more surprises. Seng kiak did 2.95, much to my delight, as his previous training conditions were really not very pleasing. Wei cong, the sec 1 junior from hongkong, did 2.45, the starting height, thus getting 8th position. Heard he crossed 2.65 during the trials. What a waste. And the highlight of the day, Cai Weida of THE CHINESE HIGH broke the C division record by 0.19m. The record currently stands at 3.6m by my dear junior. Clinching the gold medal, it was thus, decided that it had been a good day for us.

Moving on to today. Man. Last night when i tried to sleep, after tossing and turning in bed for hours, i somehow managed to drift off to dreamland. However, it did not last long for i woke up 4 hours later, which is 2 hours short of my targeted 6 hours of beauty sleep. I felt shitty, however, felt that it has to be my great day. Arriving at the stadium, i was amazed to see that i was probably the last competitor to arrive at the grounds. Sighs, warm up wasn't that great. Don't really have that great feeling i use to have in previous competitions. I did a jump on the 14' 155lbs and gee, flew out of the mattress. DAmn. So paisehz. But anyways, felt it was good, cos it meant i was in good form for a longer harder pole.( however it turned out to NOT be the case). So i remained inert, at least i tried, for another 2 hours plus. Blasted officials, in order to finish the competition fast, they bloody raised the first height by 30 cm. From 3 it went to 3.3, then 3.6, then 3.9, then 4.15, which i finally started jumping. So came the first upset. Weiliang didn't cross 3.0, and came back with a tear-streaked face. Man i almost cried. I hate to see people around me crying. It makes me unable to control my emotions and want to cry with them too. It was like that for Desmond, then Weiliang. Anyway, he got unheighted. Then guofeng had the best performance of the day, with a clearance of 3.6m. Mingyuan lacked luck, and missed 4.15 by that little bit. DAmn! He got 6th. Kungfu kid won him, fancy that! Anyway, here comes the Freak part. Everyone cleared 4.15 on their first jump, i did it on my second. DAMn. Anyways, i was fourth. And it remained that way even after everyone failed 4.35m. It was really a blooper. B div and A div had the same height. Sighs. Anyways, four of us were record holders, *lame*, and the highest record still stood at 4.35m, by SolomAn Tan JunZhang of The Chinese High School. HEhz. SolomOn, his new found 'brother', is joint holding the A div record at 4.15m. Sighs.

Well, it had been a repeat of nationals B division polevault 2000. When at that time, solomAn did 3.85 and got 4th, (broke the record though), and went on NEWPAPER for some loser news. Then in 2002 nationals A division polevault, SolomOn did 4.15m, and got 4th again(breaking the record too). Well, replica of that, i am not very surprised. Considering the form and mental strength i had, i think i deserved it. God is indeed kind to everyone. Mingzhi and Jonathon both got second, and i got 4th. so all the year 2s got a good placing, much to the delight of everyone. And i got 4th. I just sat there n thought for very long. It must have been very long i guessed. And shortly afterwards, i decided that swimming wud help relieve stress. And we all went to the swimming complex at CCK sports complex. The 'black hole' wannabe slide was NOT bad la, in a certain sense, considering that we played it uncountable times, lost count by the way, and played the wave pool twice. Hence i deduced that we were there for 2 hours. After that, i cudn't think more about the morning's event. I was numb with dread and grief.

Too late for regrets. 4.15m. Its not even the freaking starting height of an average performance of the Solomon. Usually the Solomon starts at 4.2m. And he doesn't stop till its another junior record. At least, it had been the case for the past 2 years. Sighs. Probably this is destiny. It goes through a loop. And comes back, and returns, and it just indulges into a never ending cycle. I hope to break this cycle. I am 2 years far from my target. It was 4.5 last year, and 4.8 this year. Up till now, i haven't even smelt 4.8 in a competition.

Right now, I have a school of people to face, a group of friends to answer to, and a team to face up to. *yawns* I got 4th guys, leave me alone ok? I think i should just paste a signboard on my front telling everyone, "Please keep off from the loser who broke record and got 4th for the second time. Thank you"

The day's ending, the season's over. It's back to promos, and studies. Right now, i really haven't got much mood for my dinner and let alone say studies. Fuck my life. It has gone wrong again. Fuck today. Fuck. Sorry, i shudn't have cussed so much, i just suck. Next year i shall be back. I promise. Just you wait people. I climbed so high, and fell back to the ground. I shall be back at the top sneering at you guys again. Just you all wait.

And i got 4th. IRonical. But so true.
===================Life's never the same again==================

Posted 8:20 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
*sobz*
It cracks my frail heart listening to you dear.
I yearn to be them. I'm not them.
They're lucky to get such love from you. Lucky ones they are.

If only i had half as much concern from you in the past. If only.
*my wound silently bleeds again. The crack widens and deepens.*
Oh my

Posted 8:58 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
i dislike this feeling dear...
I'm not a toy, i'm not a machine, neither am i someone who bothers.
So why am i being shelved as and when you like?
I'm only wanted when you feel like it.
I'm not a reserve. I'm just a human.
I'm not only a human. I have feelings dear.
And you've shattered them into smithereens every time.
I dunno what place do i stand in your heart, but pray tell,
Have you spared a thought for me? My feelings too?

don't leave me standing alone in the dark stormy night...

Posted 7:26 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Heyx, well, i'm sorry bloggie, haven't been updating as usual.
Have not followed up the taipei report, neither have i reported on my asean trip.
Anywayx, I'm sad again. She called. And i got that very heavy feeling again.
Sometimes i believe that once something has past, its over. And it remains in the pits of the brain as something termed as 'memories'.
It'd be good to have a 'good' label attached to this memory, however usually the only label affixed is 'sad'. I've been hurt time and time
again, by myself, by them. But that's in the past. I've been alone for quite some time, and i'm kinda accustomed to this deafening silence. Its depressing dear blog.
I dread my past. I dread sadness. Maybe its because things are going rather smoothly for me now, as life's much simpler now that i've set my priorities out in front of me. I love my vault. And it's been nothing but to the track and back, to the track and back again. Routine's been repeated time and time again, yet i'm happy. Friends have filled my soul, they've made me whole again. They convince me not to trust love's double edged sword. Yet almost everyone of them are attached. So what is this that i've believed in for so long? I yearn to realise. Time and time again, whiffs of sadness overwhelms me, but i've trodded over them. I'm invincible now, i think. What gave me such strength to stand against these? Its love of another sort. Once again, i thank fate for putting me in this ever on-going journey. I'm glad. I'm glad i'm what i am now.
And what am i? A perfectly ordinary 'homo sapien', one who has fallen and stood up many a times, or too many a time, and has yet met his match. The du2 gu1 chiu2 bai4, or the simply the loner who seeks defeat