Have you ever cried while you smiled?

Posted 8:54 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Very seldom have i been able to blog instantaneously with my concurrent feelings still brewing..
This is the probably the second time.
Ok, let's make that once a blue moon then.

Anyway, things are really screwed up for me now.
I'm staring at an array of blue, pink, grey, yellow and brown colours.
Each reflecting an individual separate feeling from the other.
Its all mixed up and spinning and spinning.
Faster and faster..
There's my baby on one line, my coach online and my idiotic brother and screaming mother in the other room.
I'm GOING CRAZY!
As of now i'm officially berserk.

First there's this christian liar that steps into the raging house who doesn't practise what he preaches, and upon being asked abt the ten commandments, he blatantly says "thou shall not lie" and obviously has overridden that black and white rule..
Lying and lying, one after another, and another after another. The cycle ceases to end. And he indulges in his vigorous lying day after day, never failing to present one blatant lie to the faces of his relatives on a daily basis.
This house is a garbage dump, you'd say.
Its a pandora's of lies, adultery, confusion and arguments.
Never failing to strike up controversial issues on a daily basis, this is a family you'd never want on the other side of your walls.

And then there is the one creditor in my life whom i'm greatly indebted to. And hear the pink panther tune being radiated from the distance, and a message saying, "I'm online now.". One can only be more than grateful cos he who's been busy for a fortnight is finally here to chat. There're just so much to say and so little time to convey them.
And just when the updates gets going, the going gets updated.
Enters the silly junior into the chat.
Ambience turns from blue to yellow, to red to orange.
And totally cuts me off from what i wanna say. Irritating, you'd say.
So? Who cares? And then there enters yet another silly lad from the other end of singapore.
So now there's 2 silly lads, one creditor and a fairly dazed and purple solomon on the other end of the computer.
Since when did my msn turn into a garbage dump? A place where rubbish can be found, churned around and stinks the hell out of your minds.
Yes. There's totally an overload of gibberish on the screen and i simply cannot be bothered to be looking at them. Yes. Looking at them. Not reading.
Reading is the analysis of the writings that you see.
I'm just plain looking at them. No readings.
-takes a look at the other window-
Oh dear. More garbage. Filthy, filthy, filthy!
Yes i'm MIA(a.k.a Missing in action), and SO whaT!
I'm not in a cheery mood for such garbage.
Thanks a lot.

Buzzing around the room is this tiny creature we call the mosquito.
This tiny little thing has marked various spots on my body with its trademark red itchy swollen bump.
AND WAIT TILL I GRAB HOLD OF YOU! I'LL DISSECT YOU ALIVE YOU TINY BITCH!!!!!!!!!!
-note, mosquitoes that suck blood are females. hence correct terminologies are being applied here-

Ok, the night's just getting ever more exciting, i think i'm going to shut myself up and go to sleep.
Yes. I think i'll just go shoot myself in the head with a spear gun.
Poke the spear through my brains and floss them.
I'm g-o-i-n-g craze-e-e-e-e-e-eeeee.
As from now.....

Posted 8:04 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Digged through my shelves, and found this.
"DIARY, DO NOT PROBE"
[==============may 25th 2000==================]
life sucks...love's cruel...love's blind...love begets love...why does my life suck such a great deal? just what is the meaning of life? life is just a game in my world. i play with luck, i play with choices, i play with love. when luck is out, i blame fate. when love is down, i blame life. and overall, life sucks again. currently, i am feeling down in love again. am i being paranoid? or is this a fact that i really am down in love? has my luck run out so fast? i fantasize forever love... eternal love... everlasting love... maybe i am moving too fast...i think i am. seriously speaking, i really dunno what my aim in life is. i think of my girlfriend everyday...i think of play, i think of songs.. i think of games... but why don't i think of work? has my life really come to a part where study is completely out? no, it definitely isn't out yet. i know it is still somewhere, but i can't get it to work. i see people with relationships come and go. i've been in and out of relationships too. the feeling of getting out of one is definitely not great, but getting into one can really change a lot of things. ningning once asked me if i know what love means. well, i dunno. she asked me if i was willing to lay my life down for her. when i do, that is love. do i feel the surge of love in me now? do i want to end my life for her? seriously speaking, i dunno! i badly want to get out of my tragedy. i want to escape, i am a coward...that's y i keep stressing i suck. i choose death. i think death will settle everything. at least thats what i think. maybe thats a wrong concept. i want to die but not for her? i will sacrifice anything for her... even my lousy life if needed. but in my option of death, i strongly believe is definitely not because of love. love is cruel.i've been hurt by the side effects of love. but is that love of infactuation? i really dunno... don't ask me why. there are many things to life, but why does my life only come around love? am i so desperate for love? what about family love? friendship love? frankly speaking here, its been a long long time since i've had these feelings. was it years ago? or a decade ago? i dunno.probably that turns me to my only love for my soul partner. or so called soul partner who doesnt confide in me some of her problems. has this problem got to do with her? maybe ... not.i'm not sure though. i think she is not committed enough, but analysing the situation, am i still too young to commit to a relationship? I HATE MYSELF. just when i want to have a nice long cry, i think of the reasons causing my paranoia. i realise i think too much. i think out of bounds. i over do things too early. i suck! i page her all day...without even hearing a faintest beep of my own pager. no reply. does that mean she isnt thinking of me? well, probably she is too busy to do so. she is lucky. she still has work in her mind. i dont. thats our MAIN DIFFERENCE. i think i shouldnt tell her about my results this term. they suck as badly as i do. i deproved ok! from a msg of 3.75 to 4.5! wad is that man! i think of ning ning too much everyday. ah uncle ah... u still depend on ur dad for survivor, so dun act big yet. OK! but, i really cant help myself! is that love? or is that foolishness? i said harold was a fool to break with ningning..do i mean it? well, i suppose half half. if they were still together, where would i stand? if he hadnt been an ass an broke the law, they would have still been together. harold did make a good choice to get out of a relationship at an early age before it got too deep into his life. clever soul. i'm the fool around here. to cover up my foolishness, i say i REALLY AM STUDYING!! hahaz.. yeah right. i do study, but, a little bit. ningning is so innocent and pure, i really trust her to a relationship. but, i trust her , yet i doubt her? what am i thinking?at times i really want to break down and cry. there can be days where she dun even page me at all, dun even call, dun even do anything. when that happens, i console myself by believing she's real real busy. i trust her deep enough to believe she really is busy and not doing other things.yet, though she's studying, does paging a simple 'HI' take that much time and strength and energy? that simple HI alone could work wonders, but its that Hard to page. its THAT hard. really.or maybe she is really so concentrated in her work and studying that she really threw me into the bin and totally forgot about me. thats good, she can concentrate. i cant. she has a bright future. am i ruining her future by instilling her with my stupid values and beliefs? what a fool i am. i only realise that now. there are surely happy and unhappy times in a relationship. i believe ALL relationships are like that. ALL , is that right?please tell me thats right. now she is so busy, and so out of place due to the stress. i think i shouldnt add to the burden by being so difficult.probably i should try to understand her MORE. and i do mean MORE. A LOT MORE THAN WHAT I AM DOING NOW. just now i paged her so many times and none replied. does this signify anything? i hope not. tomorrow is school day. hers is camp. 3 days. i am afraid she will come to realise that its actually ok to live without me or even 3 days. i am scared. see how cowardy i am? i suck dun i! i cant live without her... really...without her, my motivations would be gone...i would be just a rotting log. waiting for time and tide to pass, and all i do is rot away. i am so scared. i cant not have her..does she know that? does she know what i am thinking? i doubt so. if she does, probably i would get at least a 'HI' even if there is a major test the next day. am i asking for too much? i do , dont i. seriously speaking, i have the perfect way of loving someone in my mind. but come to think of it. u cant possibly listen to i love you twice a day for 365 days right? and if it is eternal love, and u are going to live to a hundred, how many i love yous would u expect to hear? 73000??? by then, the i love you would be meaning less. it would probably mean, HI, or gd nite~ or even how u do? maybe i shouldnt expect too much too. 73000 i love yous... thats definitely a lot. i really would be bored to death by them.so y am i still bothering abt the daily ignorance? Y Y Y Y!!!!! i dunno Y! i have to get used to it i suppose. that would be hard, but its worth a challenge. a challenge i dare not take up. haiz.... i SUCK... see y now? i think i better sleep now. sleeping would help me get my mind off my torment. gd nite sucker.

I really was disturbed was i. And now its a dream come true. Cherie my love. Indeed my love.

Posted 6:27 PM by dE.SoL.AtE
[Equations] -explicit contents, guidance advisory

Devoted lover = Excellent kisser = Poor sexual partner

You're just too innocent.. You don't comprehend the emotions your experience, whether its adrenaline rush or is it sexually arousing, everything to you is too embarrassing and weird.
Yes it is weird. That's why it's an option strictly open for lovers. Although there're exceptions though.
Yes i'm being illogical, but the perfect love life is one with sexual activity, where they term the activity "make love". Simply literally meaning make love. How to feel the love when its embarassing and weird all the time?

Every single bit of skin on you is just so purposely tickled, that you just keep thinking that i'm just tickling you. Gosh, there's a new meaning to making love i guess. Tickling. I simply hate tickling cos it causes sexual drive to blast to the brim. Moreover the sensitive and definite places which would indefinitely arouse me are so exposed and regulated just for you fingers to probe about. Thanks for arousing me and leaving me in the lurch. Thanks for letting me kill the feelings myself. I never FELT bEtter.

Enclosed rooms and locked doors provide excellent ambience for sexual arouses and adrenaline rushes. Which is precisely the places i shall avoid in future. INdefinitely.

STOP kissing me. STOP touching me at places which only converges me into a sex diva. I hate you. I hate all these. How i wish i never see you again. What's embarassing is, you not respecting the whole thing altogether and hey, don't keep telling me that you're not totally against the whole idea of petting. Not against doesn't equate to willing, so just voice it out then. It is simply a turn-off. What the heck. I'd rather you just be a devoted lover thats all. Stop being so physical and so touchy. NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 9:21 PM by dE.SoL.AtE
hihi.. just testing.. haven't been bloggin here for a while..
well, this will be my pit for my really dark thoughts i suppose.
Right?
Dumping gounds, they call it.

Posted 4:02 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
All the thoughts racing through my head...
A multitude of inner voices spoke up in my head..
A gazillion bits per second and information were being processed at one time..
Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts..
"What's life?"
"What's your motive in life?"
"What are you going to be doing when you grow up?"
"When are you going to earn your first million dollars?"
"Your first Sea Games medal?".."Find a wife?... get married... have kids... get a job..."

This is a crucial year for me i guess.. I have to focus on my studies, my trainings..
Seriously i never thought of adding another bag to my hands..
But i carried you anyway.. Because i had feelings for you my dear..
My arms are getting tired with the load. So i put aside my studies and my trainings..
But i held on to you..
Taking a rest, i realised how vulnerable one can get.
One is in his wee years of his life, not at all old, yet relatively old enough to be thinking for himself.
So he ought to be thinking for himself. His future, his life.. his ambitions..
So what if it is love. True love doesn't buy you food, water nor does it give you more knowledge of the world.
From a simple aspect, guys around me get attached because they're interested to find out what kissing is like.
Some are just excited about holding hands, some want to feel what it is like to have another responsibility in life..
Some atrocious immoral maggots are just plain interested in sex. In the sexual pleasures and the unfamiliar body of the opposite gender.
To sleep with a girl is all they want in life.
"Where do i stand?" I ask myself.
Honestly, i am a bit of everything above. Including the immoral bit.
So i ask myself. So what does she see in a relationship.. Naturally women have different perspectives to this question..
As reports have shown, guys are always more physically attracted to a lady, and a lady is more often attracted to the things beyond physical quantities.
Which probably brings us to the cliche that teenage relationships seldom last.
The guy somehow satisfies his physical wants, and all in a moment of impulse, he realises there's nothing more to the relationship already.
You touch me, sending tingles down my arms and down my spine.. Adrenaline rushes.. Blood flow accelerates. sexual desires run high.
And i refrain.. You ask me why i had stomach cramps that time. In fact i have it all the time. And only after i part with you..
-Shall skip the details-

I say i'm a jerk. Is this lust or is this love..
If it is lust, i must refrain. I'm sorry i lusted. I'm not sure if i did, but i suppose i did. And i'm really sorry..
I lied i lied.. The lights are flashing red in my eyes..
"yes i'm sorry i lied" i shriek.
Sorry sorrY!

I want to continue my journey with my other bags.
Can you walk on your own?
What is it that separates lovers from best friends.
Its merely a thin line.
Lovers hold hands. Best friends don't.
Friends love each other, and i love you.
But i don't kiss my friend. I kiss you.
So what's to a relationship?
I yearn to find out.
Tell me tell me tell me..

Posted 2:39 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Friday the 13th
the theme of the day is "lost".
Shortly about an hour ago, i was mooning about tuas interchange(within a stone's throw away from tuas CHECKPOINT). As bewildered and i must admit, frightened, i realised i was the only ALive person around. Even the bus drivers at tuas checkpoint were like zombies.. the counter attendant was snoozing.. and goodness. that god forsaken place was cabless for half an hour!

First i came out of NACHI and boarded a cab which was on call by anotHEr staff, the canteen auntie, then i stood by the roadside under a wooden board for 10 minutes, then i crossed the over head bridge to stone at the busstop for yet another 20 minutes.. Finally i boarded bus number 192 to destination TUAS. Great i thought.. maybe i can halt cabs away from the expressway..

Little did i realise i ended up at the tuas causeway checkpoint. ARgh. My first "lucky" friday the 13th.
Now i'm home and i'm tired, sleepy and still shaken.. a bit..
I couldn't even recognise my home when i alighted from bus 193..but anyways.. hope my day ends just like that.. i can take no more already...

Posted 8:22 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Ok, i admit defeat.
I'm cornered, and i'm desperate.
I've lost all fighting will, lost all abilities to withstand the oncoming pressure.
I've fallen. I'm falling through the depths of a gazillion miles deep trench.
Its never ending.
Someone, somebody, something, Help me please i plead.
I cant see the ending! I'm scared.. Someone please hold me tight?
Don't let me sink deeper and deeper in to this never ending darkness?
I've had enough, its time it ended.
Please i plead again, liberate me from this shit!
I CAN TAKE IT NO MORE!!!

Posted 8:11 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Homosexuality? Does hearing this send tingles down your spine?
It sent sharp vibes down my spine, thru my tail bone and to the underside of my soles..
SO sharp that i was left confounded, astounded, flabbergasted, my mouth gaping open.. for something like a millenium?

Somehow this logical connectivity doesn't exist between the girl of my dreams and the topic of discussion 'homosexuality'.
Probably to not to that extremity of a full fledge lesbian, but, however, whether she was a BI or a Les doesnt really matter..
i mean, having feelings for people of the same gender is ok, but expressing it physically? furthermore ill treating the other party?
If a perfect relationship exists only in same sex relationships, maybe then would i believe in homosexuality.
But even imperfection arises in such situations, then where's the logic? Where's the sense the dollars the pennies?
LamE!!!!! But it really bothers me man! How could her? And it? Be connected by such a relationship?
Not in this way man! Life's a bitch, it always has.. Stop cheating on me life.. you've had your fun already,,,
Give me back my happiness, my life, my humanity!
OH i beg you please undo my tragedy...

Posted 9:12 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Nothing lasts forever.
Literally it means that there's not a single thing in the world that would remain the same for eternity.
With the element 'perspective', it means that 'nothing' lasts forever, which in other words implies that even 'nothing' lasts forever.

I'm confounded. Someone enlighten me?

Posted 10:13 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
~Festival Of Sports 2002~
Oh well, all's well ends well.
Recalling the past two days of scorching sun and sweaty bodies, i realised i've gained invaluable experience and a pretty sunBURnt face.
Side tracking into team sports once in a blue moon does take the individualism away from me, and for once, i admit i'm getting sick of basketball.
Undoubtedly we won the championship, fair and square, rough and tactful. Wadeva. Like i said, may the best team win.
No doubt there is not BEST team around, however in the presence of the millions of watchful eyes and the salient whistle of the referee, a winner has to emerge.
However champions may not equate best team, and best team does not equate to being the champions either.
Take that sentence in any way you want to interpret it in. It pretty much turns out to be what i'm thinking i believe.

Well, its all about the attitude i believe.
Basketball, a.k.a shooting a ball and scoring by letting the ball enter the hoop.
Its a game whereby u need 5 people to begin a game, and note, its a team game.
Gone were the days whereby you needed Jordan to form chicago bulls, jordan was a legend. He's history.
Now's the present. Scenario sets in singapore, where NBA is presented in the form of an entertainment on SCV..
Glory is shared among all the team members for sure. What matters is that the team grows as a team, learns as a team, plays as a team and wins as a team.
That's my definition of a team sport.

Conclusion - I'm not a team athlete. *shakes heaD*
Oh well, i guess basketball remains as a favourite pasttime, although i dunno how long more i would take to get over the lasting bitterness of the ball on my fingertips.
Street style, funky and unregulated basketball could bring me back to reality.
Congrats team 68, we won the championship for FOS, we achieved our goal, and i most certainly hope we did it as a team.

Posted 3:57 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
---------------the knight and the princess-----------

"Clok Clok Clok..." trails the on-storming knight as he enters the arena..
"............He's hilarious, he's shrewd, he's swift.. he's the one and onlyyyyyy knIggggghhhhhhhhtttttt from......... hwa chong junior college!!!!"
With this, Sir Solomon's jester, Anonymous left the scene as he brought on his lord with a speech of vigor.

Sir Solomon scans the audience.. "My fair lady, oh where in the midst of the forest of faces would your beauty be?"
His heart throbs painfully, for the lady of his dreams could not be found in the midst of the wild crowd.
Instinctively, his eyes were attracted to that lovely beauty.. At that corner, yes.. she's at that corner..
Clearing his throat and raising his visor, he raises his voice.
"Princess Eunice, how charming of you to drop by.. Shall i get the sun down from the sky for you today?"

Waving her silked scarf, she beams. That radiance she emitted around her pulverised the darkness of the corner. That beauty. That elegance.
The way she presents herself. It can't be true. An angel must be concealed behind her skin.
Electrifying she may be, her heart of frost revealed none of her interest in Sir Solomon. How ironic.
Sir Solomon trudged on in his path, making his way to where his lance would be.
Behind his armor was a commoner. He knew it very well. Without the lance and his prized steed of fury, he was nothing but Solomon.
As he regained consciousness from the deadly lure of Princess Eunice, he realised seeing her made him whole.
In the least, the fractions that were left were negligible.

-Back in his mind, 4th november meant the world to him. It was the day an angel descended Earth to join the commoners.
28th april made him cringe. 5 months made a whole lot of difference. It had been 16 years and 8 months since he noticed his angel.
A glance a day keeps the physician away, yes, that's what he keeps telling himself.-

As Jester Anonymous handed over Sir Solomon his lance, he..................
....to be continued

Posted 7:09 PM by dE.SoL.AtE
-----------------------HCJC Mid Autumn Festival 2002-------------------------

Its been a long night, and my day only just ended upon my first embarkment on my doorstep..
Boogieing was fun, with the help of a LONG ISLAND T, and then ended up with a really groggy and crazy solomon on the dance floor.

There's nothing much to touch on involving MAF, however there were spectacular fireworks and really pretty girls...
A very special someone stole the limelight away from the fireworks though..
Her beauty was captivating, breathtaking and left me totally flabbergasted.
She was so elegant, beautiful, not even the bright burning stars in the skies could withstand the heat emitted from around her..
"She's HOtttt!~ OoOoh i'm running a temperature seeing her like that~~~" you would say.
Seeing her leaves me to wonder why the prettiest flower on earth isn't named after her..
Yeah, she really took the breath off my chest seeing her dress up like that..
She's one hell of her kind...
She's with character, charm, and oooh... that charisma..
Oh seeing her makes my day...
Though things happened in a swirl 10 days ago, i still vividly remember the messages she sent.
Each message embraced a certain hope, however it seemed to get worse with every new message received.
I got my inspiration from Anselm, yet another buddy i've known for 5 years and going on to the 6th year..

Life could mean many things, at least, its not meaningless to that extent.
At different stages of life, life harbours a hope unique to each individual, when you're young, life probably means living and having fun..
Life then was probably brainless, physically intensive, and exhilariating when you think of it now..
Life now is probably about happiness, about esteem, status and not that much hoo-haa over the issue nerds cringe their noses against, FUN.
Anyway, what life meant to me a year ago probably meant self esteem, status and fame.
Hence i indulged in intensive training getting me to where i am now..
The memories of an attached me unfolds from that dark corner of my heart, and reliving the memories, the feelings, life seemed pretty perfect and complete then.
If life's perfect and complete, what's life to a person then?
Does it mean when one gets attached, he loses all motivation in life?
Does he lose his drive, enthusiasm, motivation, his mojo?
That leaves much too ponder about, and seeing anselm, it dawned to me that probably life is about attaining a perfect and complete life.
Maybe you're only allowed to have a perfect life when you're retired?
Maybe you're only permitted to take a step back to relax when you've earned your first million?
How perfect would life be then?
Surely what happened 10 days ago would keep haunting me for eternity, but since there's still some hope left, i shall pin on them and give it a shot.
I kinda extended that 2 months plan to a 1 year plan, so as to get to know her better..
In the meantime, i'll indulge in intensive training, intensively knowing her, maybe not irritate her perhaps...
Life would mean so much to me then. Life would be worth living for. I'll be living for my name, my happiness, my love and my future..

Maybe it wasn't that bad after all...

Posted 9:22 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
After yesterday's bbq, realisation dawned on me, that i'm simply JUST-PLAIN-SOLOMON.
J.P.S is my new nick for MSN, and i think its just the nick for me...
I still remember that scenario, whereby the 4 of them, Nelson, Kok Chye, Sir and Desmond were sitting arnd the stone table with cards slotted in btw their fingers, and Sir kept saying that its a game btw 3 coaches and a captain.
Apparently the forfeits would be doled to the captain according to the status rung, and when i joined in the game taking the place of future coach of tChs Polevault team, Ang Kok Chye, it became a game btw 2 coaches, a captain, and an ATHLETE.
Athlete = commoner = lowest on status rung = person who practices athleticism
"Athlete" does not equate to 2001 PV captain, 2001 B div record holder cum champion, national junior record holder, twice ASEAN gold medalist(2001,2002).
Solomon ceases to exist in people's hearts as the wonderful polevaulter.
He merely exists as a polevaulter.
__________________________________________________________________________________
__4th september 2002, 1.30pm at coronation's escalator lv 1__
Xiao Wei says: Solomon! Yesterday i saw this guy, and my friend told me he is the top polevaulter. Then i told her, 'No, solomon is the top polevaulter!'
Solomon says: Where's he from? ACjC?
Xiao Wei says: Think its AC..
Xiao Wei's friend says: Think he's from pJC?
Solomon says : Can't be, there aren't any vaulters from PJ. Must be AC. Anyway, i'm not the best. I'm so lousy what...
aftermath:
Solomon thinks: Sighs. Thanks xiaowei for having faith and confidence, but the Solomon u know 6 months ago and 6 months later are 2 different athletes. 6 months ago u knew him as a record holder, 6 months later u know him as no longer the TOp VAulter. Life can be so practical. Life sucks.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Well, currently i'm jobless, post-less in the hwachong track team and statusless in the hearts of the people i know..
In short, i'm J.P.S.
Just-Plain-Solomon from Jurong Pri Sch.
They rhyme don't they.
Ironically true.
Positively negative.
Biblically devillish.
Solomonly famous or famously solomon.
Its suppose to be the opposite, hence according to law of maths,
famous = |-unknown|
hence,
unknown = solomon.
after further inferrence,
Solomon = Sucks.

--------------He ends------------------

Posted 3:37 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
it feels like a chunk of my flesh got sliced off my chest...
it hurts baby...
it hurts...

'you don't have to be so nice to me, after all we're all but friends..'

this phrase perpetually penetrates my heart, pierces and repierces..
again and again...
i know its my fault.. i'm really sorry...
we'll be friends.. and friends it shall be.. but in the long run, in the future, its unpredictable...
nature will take its course, i shall not make empty promises, but i shan't give up.
eunice, i shan't give up...

Life moves on. It does, really. Believe me.
It's not only an infatuation.. Believe me...

Posted 5:04 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
=================the fallen du gu qiu bai==========================
As memories of an unexpected failure fades away, a lingering bitterness about the defeat remains. It probes the heart, stenches the mind and reminds one of humility.
Self confidence gone wrong would be termed as arrogance. And you can say that this was what went wrong for me. Failure to suppress that arrogance caused the downfall of thy.
Thou shall learn to be humble, and as from today, thou has learnt, that humbleness exists in several forms, in which the actions, the words, the body language. Thou thought one's words were humble.
One never knew it had infiltrated thou's actions and body language. One is too shamed and torn to talk about this topic.

From today onwards, one would engage in humble conversation, humble expressions and humble postures. period.

Posted 6:24 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
July 17th, Wednesday

Finally the nationals are over for me. Well, it so happens that all's over. Over. Gone. Perished.

It had been a pretty good year, considering on monday 15th july, my chinese high captain Juncheng got 3rd, and Minghui got 7th with 3.6m, and NEARLY crossed 3.8m. His freaking elbow barely touched the bar, but it was all it took to fall off the hook. Anyway, there were upsets though. Sean got second with 3.8m, and Guocai first with 4.15m. Phew, close shave, my record still stands though. *Hehx* Anyways, Desmond was rather pissed and upset that he got 6th cos of his attempts. And some issue abt sean and him over a gal *rolls eyes*, and thus bringing up the issue of Sean being better than him in everything, which, of course, is not true.

So that's all for day 1 of nationals polevault, day 2 contained more surprises. Seng kiak did 2.95, much to my delight, as his previous training conditions were really not very pleasing. Wei cong, the sec 1 junior from hongkong, did 2.45, the starting height, thus getting 8th position. Heard he crossed 2.65 during the trials. What a waste. And the highlight of the day, Cai Weida of THE CHINESE HIGH broke the C division record by 0.19m. The record currently stands at 3.6m by my dear junior. Clinching the gold medal, it was thus, decided that it had been a good day for us.

Moving on to today. Man. Last night when i tried to sleep, after tossing and turning in bed for hours, i somehow managed to drift off to dreamland. However, it did not last long for i woke up 4 hours later, which is 2 hours short of my targeted 6 hours of beauty sleep. I felt shitty, however, felt that it has to be my great day. Arriving at the stadium, i was amazed to see that i was probably the last competitor to arrive at the grounds. Sighs, warm up wasn't that great. Don't really have that great feeling i use to have in previous competitions. I did a jump on the 14' 155lbs and gee, flew out of the mattress. DAmn. So paisehz. But anyways, felt it was good, cos it meant i was in good form for a longer harder pole.( however it turned out to NOT be the case). So i remained inert, at least i tried, for another 2 hours plus. Blasted officials, in order to finish the competition fast, they bloody raised the first height by 30 cm. From 3 it went to 3.3, then 3.6, then 3.9, then 4.15, which i finally started jumping. So came the first upset. Weiliang didn't cross 3.0, and came back with a tear-streaked face. Man i almost cried. I hate to see people around me crying. It makes me unable to control my emotions and want to cry with them too. It was like that for Desmond, then Weiliang. Anyway, he got unheighted. Then guofeng had the best performance of the day, with a clearance of 3.6m. Mingyuan lacked luck, and missed 4.15 by that little bit. DAmn! He got 6th. Kungfu kid won him, fancy that! Anyway, here comes the Freak part. Everyone cleared 4.15 on their first jump, i did it on my second. DAMn. Anyways, i was fourth. And it remained that way even after everyone failed 4.35m. It was really a blooper. B div and A div had the same height. Sighs. Anyways, four of us were record holders, *lame*, and the highest record still stood at 4.35m, by SolomAn Tan JunZhang of The Chinese High School. HEhz. SolomOn, his new found 'brother', is joint holding the A div record at 4.15m. Sighs.

Well, it had been a repeat of nationals B division polevault 2000. When at that time, solomAn did 3.85 and got 4th, (broke the record though), and went on NEWPAPER for some loser news. Then in 2002 nationals A division polevault, SolomOn did 4.15m, and got 4th again(breaking the record too). Well, replica of that, i am not very surprised. Considering the form and mental strength i had, i think i deserved it. God is indeed kind to everyone. Mingzhi and Jonathon both got second, and i got 4th. so all the year 2s got a good placing, much to the delight of everyone. And i got 4th. I just sat there n thought for very long. It must have been very long i guessed. And shortly afterwards, i decided that swimming wud help relieve stress. And we all went to the swimming complex at CCK sports complex. The 'black hole' wannabe slide was NOT bad la, in a certain sense, considering that we played it uncountable times, lost count by the way, and played the wave pool twice. Hence i deduced that we were there for 2 hours. After that, i cudn't think more about the morning's event. I was numb with dread and grief.

Too late for regrets. 4.15m. Its not even the freaking starting height of an average performance of the Solomon. Usually the Solomon starts at 4.2m. And he doesn't stop till its another junior record. At least, it had been the case for the past 2 years. Sighs. Probably this is destiny. It goes through a loop. And comes back, and returns, and it just indulges into a never ending cycle. I hope to break this cycle. I am 2 years far from my target. It was 4.5 last year, and 4.8 this year. Up till now, i haven't even smelt 4.8 in a competition.

Right now, I have a school of people to face, a group of friends to answer to, and a team to face up to. *yawns* I got 4th guys, leave me alone ok? I think i should just paste a signboard on my front telling everyone, "Please keep off from the loser who broke record and got 4th for the second time. Thank you"

The day's ending, the season's over. It's back to promos, and studies. Right now, i really haven't got much mood for my dinner and let alone say studies. Fuck my life. It has gone wrong again. Fuck today. Fuck. Sorry, i shudn't have cussed so much, i just suck. Next year i shall be back. I promise. Just you wait people. I climbed so high, and fell back to the ground. I shall be back at the top sneering at you guys again. Just you all wait.

And i got 4th. IRonical. But so true.
===================Life's never the same again==================

Posted 8:20 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
*sobz*
It cracks my frail heart listening to you dear.
I yearn to be them. I'm not them.
They're lucky to get such love from you. Lucky ones they are.

If only i had half as much concern from you in the past. If only.
*my wound silently bleeds again. The crack widens and deepens.*
Oh my

Posted 8:58 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
i dislike this feeling dear...
I'm not a toy, i'm not a machine, neither am i someone who bothers.
So why am i being shelved as and when you like?
I'm only wanted when you feel like it.
I'm not a reserve. I'm just a human.
I'm not only a human. I have feelings dear.
And you've shattered them into smithereens every time.
I dunno what place do i stand in your heart, but pray tell,
Have you spared a thought for me? My feelings too?

don't leave me standing alone in the dark stormy night...

Posted 7:26 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Heyx, well, i'm sorry bloggie, haven't been updating as usual.
Have not followed up the taipei report, neither have i reported on my asean trip.
Anywayx, I'm sad again. She called. And i got that very heavy feeling again.
Sometimes i believe that once something has past, its over. And it remains in the pits of the brain as something termed as 'memories'.
It'd be good to have a 'good' label attached to this memory, however usually the only label affixed is 'sad'. I've been hurt time and time
again, by myself, by them. But that's in the past. I've been alone for quite some time, and i'm kinda accustomed to this deafening silence. Its depressing dear blog.
I dread my past. I dread sadness. Maybe its because things are going rather smoothly for me now, as life's much simpler now that i've set my priorities out in front of me. I love my vault. And it's been nothing but to the track and back, to the track and back again. Routine's been repeated time and time again, yet i'm happy. Friends have filled my soul, they've made me whole again. They convince me not to trust love's double edged sword. Yet almost everyone of them are attached. So what is this that i've believed in for so long? I yearn to realise. Time and time again, whiffs of sadness overwhelms me, but i've trodded over them. I'm invincible now, i think. What gave me such strength to stand against these? Its love of another sort. Once again, i thank fate for putting me in this ever on-going journey. I'm glad. I'm glad i'm what i am now.
And what am i? A perfectly ordinary 'homo sapien', one who has fallen and stood up many a times, or too many a time, and has yet met his match. The du2 gu1 chiu2 bai4, or the simply the loner who seeks defeat

Posted 7:08 PM by dE.SoL.AtE
You are Gonzo!
You're a bit loopy, and many people have trouble figuring out exactly what you're supposed to be. You take pride in your eccentricity and originality.
Take the What Muppet Are You? Quiz!

wow. and this is something i've never come across in my life. MUppets~ fancy that?!

Posted 9:31 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Taipei Open 2002

As i sat in the seat of SQ872, memories of singapore waved to me.
Was i going to miss home?
Would i enjoy my trip to taipei?
As the engine of the airplane went full throttle, i knew that i would know the answer for myself in 5 days time.
Gradually, 10 feet, 20 feet... until it went as high as a thousand feet. I was lost in the clouds.
What's life in taipei like? i pondered.

Touchdown.
As i took my first step onto the carpeted floors of taipei airport, i found my feet adapting to this foreign land.
Sigh. With my poles on my shoulder, my billabong bag on both my shoulders, and my FBT luggage in my right hand, i trudged painfully forward...
Men's open. 4.66m
It kept flashing in my mind.

to be continued....

Posted 9:14 AM by dE.SoL.AtE

Which Nokia handphone are you?

cool!
i'm an 8250!!!
haha. Well, there wERE 3 8250s in my entire phone history, incredible, fanatic, but true.

Posted 7:55 PM by dE.SoL.AtE
i'm in one of those korean rushes again.
First it was japanese rush, now its korean.
But anyway, korean is really superb.
Shall elaborate on the taipei trip later on, right now i have some important korean phrases to write down...

Hello an yong ha se yo
Sorry kamn sam ni da
No an ni yo
threaten to kill chu kow or chu gu re
really cong ma
damn shi mai
faster pa lil
understand? a ra ji?
hey ya
hey gal a ga shi
exchange pa ko shi no
more to come....

Posted 6:43 PM by dE.SoL.AtE
=====================[final words]=========================
Say, i'm embarking on a trip to taipei for a competition. That's interesting.
BAsically, i feel all weird and funny about this trip.
My luggage wasn't properly checked, ok, maybe it is, by now.
Going to bring my 3310 over there instead of my darling T68.
Shall see how things work over there.
Yet another expedition to the other part of the world.
haha.
maybe the people there blog like i do.
excePT, maybe in chinese.
CheenAx
hahahaz. ok, now i'm just stoning for time before i tug my luggage downstairs to flag a cab.
Its too bulky. i'm not inclined to drag it onto the bus alongside me. NO way~
So what does this week hold for me? I've yet to learn of it, i'm interested to know anyway. Let's see people.
EXPEDI-Taipei-ON...
=Þ
BLehZ~
see ya bloggie in 5 days time for more and more feelings. About the trip, about the competition, about yue han, about peiting, about myself.

-desolate

Posted 8:50 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
It has been quiet for 2 days.
The dragon remains dormant and sits still.
The princess never came, nor has the dragon moved.
What is going on? he wonders.
Doesn't the princess care about me anymore? he weeps.
The once fire breathing dragon felt intimidated. NEVER had he felt as threatened before.
And then enters the dragon slaying knight.
Who comes there? the dragon breathes.
It is I, the dragon slayer. You have possessed my princess for too long a time. It is time to return her to her lovely knight. The knight bellows.
The dragon sniffed, and stiffling his sorrowful cry, he turned and hid in his cave, never to return to the princess's presence again.

What a weepy dragon! What a disgrace! muttered the knight.

Having ears which picked up the mildest ultrasound in miles, the dragon looked back.
It is natural, that the knight have the princess, and the dragon gets slain. But i, the dragon shall withdraw without putting up a fight.

The poor dragon gave up bright sunshine and happiness, and reverted back to his cave where the silence shrieks, and darkness shines with glamour.

Posted 3:21 PM by dE.SoL.AtE
_________________________________________________________
One feels cheated, one feels torn.
One was given wings, and clipped off the minute he flew off..
Oh how does it feel, how does it thrill.
The feeling of the empty satisfaction..

The thought of me here and you there,
Yet the telepathy between 2 souls declared.
That when thy trust is provoked,
It feels like thy heart was poked.
Oh how does it feel, how does it thrill.
These empty satisfaction of life.
__________________________________________________

I guess i may never be able to fly again.
Sorry i tried to hurt you dear, i tried, i refrained, and i failed.
-desolate

Posted 8:35 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
You promised...
Sighs.

So, promises are meant to be broken after all....

Posted 8:03 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
June the 3rd.....

Today's been a really warped day. From the minute i woke up, nothing went on the right track, until the moment i sat down in A403 at 12.30pm.
A brief recap of the day, firstly, i had this phone deal at 11am. Took train to lakeside, only to see this very interesting guy.
He obviously adores reading comics and watching cartoons, for he had a set of pictures on his limbs and body, though the 'comics' weren't funny.
However, he was rather refined for someone with tattoos. V-e-r-y interesting indeed. He rejected the stupid 8850 gold, for he ASSUMED i said the phone was in 'perfect' condition, which i obviously posted 'little scratches, though not noticeable.' The ability to relate to others in rather fluent engLAND, but unable to read englAND words. Lamer.
Later on he called when i was on my way to school. DAmn him, he wanted me to deal in clementi. Obviously i said no. In the end i ended up at coronation with beads of sweat all over my forehead as i waited for the colourful guy's appearance. Then he appeared and rolled down the cabby's window, stretched out a hand with a roll of dollar bills, and i exchanged the greenbacks for a 8850 gold.
A freaking 10 bucks commission. HOW Profitable it had been. I think i shall step down from this part time JOB once and for all. The market is atrocious! Wasting all my time man.
Then extended my passport, had lunch with guofeng at lucky chicken,(again), and went for training. DAMN! It started to rain.
For once i loathed water. I loathed anything that fell from the skies and made the pole wet. ARGH! STupid rain. Though the birthday suit is an impermeable membrane, but it shivers under the cold conditions, making jumps almost impossible to be done. So i ceased training.
Then was soccer. Very lame game indeed. Team HCJC cum TCHS versus TEAM Alumni. At first i was in TEAM hcjc, but then coach switched me over to TEAM alumni. However, due to miscommunication, both sides were unaware of the switch. So team hcjc thought i was still their member, and team alumni thought i was their opponent. And there i stood for half an hour without touching the ball decently. For no one passed to me, and no one knew who i was with. ARGH! Whatever, was a rather enjoyable game la.

I'm pretty exhausted now, tomorrow's another long day. Thursday i'm on my way to taipei, and goodness knows whether i may make my way back safely. *TOUCHES WOOD*!!!!
hehZ!~ but anyways, good night, signing off now.

-desolate

Posted 6:53 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Tomorrow is the start of a busy holiday.
First on the list we have MATHS lesson at 9 am, followed by GP lesson at 12 pm.
AND i have to visit SIR to extend the darn passport (why do all guys in s'pore have to go through such trouble), and then lastly its training at 5pm. YAY~

Today's a pretty common day. Nothing much happened, but Elly dear sent a new ringtone! It's I BELIEVE from shin sheung hoon...
Recently i've been pretty bugged by these korean songs.. They're too nice and pleasant to the ears!
Well, probably JEON was part of the reason why i took a liking to these songs. (my sassy girl, remember?)
*evil grinz*
she's so chio. Ha. Ok la. enough of dreaming for a night, shall proceed to reviewing my econs lecture notes. Must make econs my favourite subject, although i have the dullest econs tutor on earth. *rolls eyes*

Posted 6:26 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Heys, this is my new webpage!
Very temporary, but never mind.. looks pretty interesting huh...

http://www.geocities.com/converse_solomon

Posted 10:18 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
______________________________________PACHELBEL'S_CANON_______________________________________________________________
*MUACKZ!!!
ELLY! You're the greatest angel on this earth!!!!
ai4 si3 ni3 le4 la...
THanX for composing pachelbel's canon for me!!!!!

for that, i shall type out the ringtone of canon for both nokia n ericsson phones...
hehezzzzz

NOkia version: 8a2 16#f2 16g2 8a2 16#f2 16g2 16a2 16a1 16b1 16#c2 16d2 16e2 16#f2 16g2 8#f2 16d2 16e2 8#f2 16#f1 16g1 16a1 16b1 16a1 16g1 16a1 16#f1 16g1 16a1 8d2 16b1 16a1 8g1 16#f1 16e1 16#f1 16e1 16d1 16e1 16#f1 16g1 16a1 16b1 8d2 16b1 16a1 8b1 16e2 16d2 16#c2

Ericsson version: +A +#f +g +A +#f +g +a a b +#c +d +e +#f +g +#f. +d +e +#f. #f g a b a g a #f g a +d. b a g. #f e #f e d e #f g a b +d. b a b +e +d +#c

donE~ very nice huh? exactly like the actual tune itself!!!!

Posted 2:33 PM by dE.SoL.AtE
what a spastic morning... (gotta wake up so early for some lameshit meeting, URRLLghhh...)

Posted 8:04 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
S-I-G-H
This is the 4 syllabus sound u make when life's bored to the pits!
Bored to the limits i should say.
How can someone blog everyday?
That must be really consistent man.
*wonders...........................

I prefer to gather all my thoughts, and release all of them at one go.
Its like a cumulative effect, get it?
Well, have been trying to get away from the traditional "Dear diary, today's another blah bleh bluhhh...."
OH well. you get what i mean.

Posted 9:08 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
===========================================================================================================
I managed to read you email through some sources in teh SAAA. I share your views and I suggest that you take up this matter with Col Kwan Executive Director of the Singapore Sports Council.

The SAAA higer-ups are interested in promoting themselves and are not interested in the promotion of athletics.

Mr Loh Lin Kok, the President of SAAA, when asked a question by the press on 3 April 2002 after winning the SAAA elections. The question was that he was the President of the SAAA for 21 years and there are no medals to show and the performance has deterioated. His answer was the medals will come when the Chinese get their Citixen Ship.

Does this answer your question. Instant success - thats what the President of the SAAA wants. In 21 years he has failed.

Good luck

You are not the only one complaining.

Wong
=============================================================================================================

This is a typical BASTARD in present singapore society.
A BASTARD with politically INCORRECT and ERRORaneous GRAMMAR and SPELLING.
ATROcIOUS!!!!!!!
WHAT KINDA BASTARD WORKS IN SAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
instant success ehz?
I'll gIVE YOU INSTANT SUCCESS!
BLOODY FUCKED UP SAAA!
LOH LIN KOK! FUCK YOU! YOU PATHETIC CURSED CONDEMNED EARTHLING!

AS from today, MAY 12 2001, 12.12 am,
I, SOLOMON TAN, swear to the great heavens above, to make the DUMB president fall to his kness to beg ME to join SEA GAMES next year.
I swear upon my ancestors' grave that I WILL PROVE TO HIM, THAT HE IS SuCH A BASTARD!
LOH LIN KOK. Your failure will mark my succeSS!
I will smash the fucking mens' open records during NATIONAL SCHOOLS.
mr PRESIDENt, we shall wait and see who speaks louder by then.
MARK MY WORDS.

Posted 6:25 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Pyschology. The science of studying the human behaviour patterns.
Not a kinda magic which allows you to pry on other people's brains.
In-tErest-ing.

This is a very daring idea which i never stumbled on.
Well, would i have what it takes to be a pyschologist?
I yearn to find out for myself.

Posted 7:37 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
check this one out!
WATER mage actually suits me more than Earth mage.
seriously, how contradictory.

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
<º>

Posted 7:33 AM by dE.SoL.AtE

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
<º>

cool.
this one is somewhat true for me...
earth mage. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm................

Posted 6:35 AM by dE.SoL.AtE

Take the What Kind of Slacker are you? Quiz

hahahaha
damn funny man.
yar, lately took up a new hobby. sleeping. no prizes for guessing.
YAWnzzzz. going to bed now. see ya!

Posted 7:10 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
When you fall, climb up and fight on.
That's what i did today during training, well, quite a bad fall actually, got my ankle warped really bad, but still, my spirit was undaunted.
Haha.
Anyway, thanks jie and Aylmer for the terrific pizza hut treat and repeat of spiderman!
Mary jane, you're so gorgeous!!!!!!! -sneaky grinzzz-

Posted 1:18 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
oH mAN! Chalet was a smashing whopping whole load of fun!!!!!!!!!!!
28th april 2002 must be the bestest birthday i have ever had in my life...
Was flooded with friendship love, and buddies and people who've stood by me throughout these years...
Drunk partly because of the overwhelming response i received...

==================Special mention========================
JAPHETH:
>Thanks bud! Though we're only 4 months friends, but we matured together and grew faster than any other people due to unforseen circumstances in our liFe.( u know wad i mean) thanks for organising everything, getting everything done nicely and properly, getting all the people there to help us finish the food, and thanks again for this ever lasting memory...

my bud's : special mention to TERENCE, WAIKIT, KEVIN(bro), GABRIEL, WEIAN, DALGLISH, KENNEDY...
>I had a whooping good time yesterday... thanks to everyone of ya...
we grew together 2 years ago, and we grew closer during nepal... and we'll continue to grow and grow, and may our friendship never end in the oncoming future!!!!!
thanks terence for that cute kiss, waikit and kevin for that set of apparels, they must have cost a bomb bro~!
thanks ken for turning up late in the night, and so sorry i didn't tell you about it earlier... but glad u came in the end!!!! made the room very very lifely and happy!!!! thanks gabby and weian for giving me that wine set, i nearly got drunk, (oopz!) haha... thanks for being such great buddies... friends forever!!!!!!!

My HCJC teammates:
>Dearest Weiliang, Zhanpeng, Karen, Xiaoling, Chaoru and Anna....
thanks for that cute rudolph!!!! (i really dun know how i am ever going to wear that at home....)
thanks for that cute 'porn star' t-shirt, and that skimpy swimming trunks, which i believe is going to stay with me for very very long...
P.S how did you all know my fav. colour was blue?
great minds think alike yaR?
*hugz and kisses to the 6 of ya, you made my life a whole load better everyday... and hope we would mature together, grow together and be best of friends!!!*

My classmates:
>Beloved Zhiyi, liwei, adeline, james, weicheng...
you all surprised me by turning up! you're all the greatest people ever... 02S68 would be the shittiest class if you people never existed, i'm really really glad to have gotten to know you all, hope that everyone of you out there would do your best in everything u do, and smile always! thanks zhiyi and terence for helping out with the bbq! haha... the towel is really of great use to me, i need that!!!! *wiNKz*

My new found friends:
Jiayi, kaijuan
>thanks for turning up, you all were very very friendly and warm, and i felt as if we were friends for a lifetime...
you all gave me a great time too, clapz for kaijuan for being so brave as to stay overnight with 6 hulky, masculine and -perverted- guYS...
hahahaha!

thank you everyone who smsed me on the dot at 12.00 am, i'll be keeping your messages!
hugz and kisses, in 7 and a half hours time, my birthday would be over, i'm already 17, and i'm just another year older.
hahaha.
my birthday wish:
hope the girl for me turns up soon, and may i improve in polevault by metres and centimetres....
may i be blessed with sincere friendship and everlasting buddies in this lifetime!

-signing off,
SoL the birthday klutZ...
(",)

Posted 12:49 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Haha.
The comic below depicts human nature.
When you fail, you seek for shortcuts.
But has anyone ever pondered what caused humans to fail?
If humans are so wise and thus being able to invent shortcuts,
why wouldn't the wise humans invent solutions then?
Isn't human nature ironiC?

Posted 12:41 AM by dE.SoL.AtE

Posted 5:09 PM by dE.SoL.AtE
Whoever would imagine that minute, attractive shapes that obey the colour spectrum could actually revert a homo sapien's status back to normal?
They term this 'medicine'.
These 'medicine' arrives in the state of a capsule, or in the state of a pill.
Whichever form it has taken on, this omnipotent wonder cures lives.
A gazillion hugs and sincere thanks to the inventor, Mr 'Pill', or Mr 'Med', whichever his name would be.

Posted 8:04 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Pinkk sucks.
Chang U sucks.
Disco Pub sucks.

i'll never ever go to disco pubs again. not for parties.
Damn the organisers.
Screwed up a perfect night.
And to think because of that our ever so closely bonded friends have been separated.
ARGH!!!!! PINKK SUCKS! WHOEVER THOUGHT OF THIS IDEA SHUD BE HUNG!!!!!

Posted 7:55 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
There's chemistry test tomorrow.
i'm going in unprepared again.
AT least i tried reading. Though some trash cropped up in the last minute.
Some walking trash though. *BlEaH*

I hate my life.
I hate having an alter ego.
I hate having people talking behind me.
I hate having people whom i have doubts about around me.
I hate Junior College.
I hate 02s68.
I hate my father.
I hate my life.
I hate myself.
I hate you.
To hell with you man.

I think i'd like to stay away from this goddamn home for as long as i can manage.
As long as my "$300" can support me.
Bloody F*** man.

Love sucks.
Having no money sucks.
School sucks.
Friends who suck, sucks.
Father who craps, sucks.
People who enjoy pinpointing people's flaws, sucks.
My life, sucks.

I wonder what's the feeling like, when you fall from a hundred storey building.
When every second of your life ticks away, and falls apart with every storey passed.
When you finally reach the ground floor, will you hear a "chime" sound...
Where the floor opens up, and it engulfs you whole, crunches and grinds you hard.
You feel your ribcage smash to smithereens.
Your skull gives in to the extreme pressure, your brain smacks hard on the side of the empty skull, and slowly drools out.
Your eyes roll one last time, while you fade away into eternity.
You die unwhole.
You lose control of your limbs, as they lie attached to you, in an absolute awkward position.
This is death isnt it.
Well i'd rather die than try, i mean try than die.
Oh whatever.
Ironical.
Life.

They rhyme don't they.

= The End =

Posted 7:42 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
k. that does it. i'm so pissed with my life again.
i remember this line from "finding forrester" that you write with your heart.
i'm gonna give it a try this time.

here goes.
Its been a while since i last wrote, and various things have happened to me.
some worth laughing about, some worth remembering, some worth crying for, and some worth spitting at.
i'm so pissed with my father.
he thinks a great deal of himself thinking that he's giving the best to me.
god damn it! He THINKS this he THINKS that.
He thinks that the money i got from the red packet is very undeserving, and serves as a form of pocket money.
He thinks that the government pays me 300 a year to subsidise him in giving me pocket money.
HELLLOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! WAKE UP DORK!
You Blardy lame asshole!!!@@!
i bloody fucking need the money as reserves.
i have goddamn rights to keep my own money, to have my own savings.
i have bloody selfish purposes for my money, and hey, listen up loser, who'll pay for my university studies?
You!
*SPITs*
and what's goddamn wrong with me saving up.
what's goddamn wrong with me keeping some money?
I'm not entitled rights to own any money of my own huh.
hey look here man, you don't fool me with those sympathetic phrases, "what if i cannot afford it?"
eh haLLO!!!!
you bloody lOSER!
2 more years and i'll be getting off your bloody hands! i wouldn't be needing your ass money then!
hey ya, listen up ok, you don't scare me.
one more time and i'll leave you!
you listen up, one more time and i'll leave you.
i'm telling ya, ya goddamn loser, that i have my own rights too. ANd you better stop doubting me.
MAN! i'm so fucking pissed with ya!
FUCK! FUCK you! To hell with you!

= the end =

Posted 2:03 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
========LIttle johnny came home from school one day,and as usual he flung his bag aside and went to sit in front of his com.(surFINg for XXX stuff).
Mum asked," john, what's new in school today?" Johnny replied, "English teacher composed a song about a new animal! Its sung this way, H-I-P-P-O.....C-R-A-C-Y! It means being righteous and Abiding by the LAw. MUM! i'm so HIPPOCRATIC right?" Mum stares. "John... HIPPOCRACY means grinning wide and saying YOU'RE righteous when you're SURFING ****!"=========

This was what i posted on the damn class e-diary.
So much for BEING RIGHTEOUS for some people.
BLah, ended today with a fucked up dagger stuck up my throat
Prodding around college requires some brains & a good foresight to look out for 2 headed serpents.

Posted 7:33 PM by dE.SoL.AtE
Apparently hwa chong is fun...
i'm beginning to love it..
shall elaborate much when i'm much freeEr

Posted 11:50 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Heyz. NOW its aPPEARED.

Posted 11:50 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
GEEZ!
The blog i wrote 6 hours ago just DIsAppEaREd!
It never appeared on the page, noThinG.
AND its DAmn lONg.
BlAsted blogbuDDY.
*FUmes*

Posted 4:43 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
hey ya bloGgie,
havent been writing up for a while, how're ya?
its been 15 days...
guess you missed me huhz...
well, hope i haven't lost touch with this after so long...

How shud i start? Perhaps start from my objective of this holidays.
I strive to earn more money, and to buy the stuff i want.
Firstly, i've completed 3 out of 5 missions.
I've gotten my 8850, bought my mambo baggiE~, bought yet another set of clothes...
Well, surprise surprise surprise... Haha~
Its the christmas festive, and i got 36 dollars off for my mambo baggiE~
Cool huh!
Well, now its 3 down, 2 to go.
Contestants 'Contact lens' and 'shoes' are left.
In about 2 week's time, i'll have accomplised my holiday's mission, ready to embark on yet another new year of college life.

Tomorrow's the day when all the postings would have been released. And i'll be busy working at Amara, only to miss the immediate results.
It should be apparent that i'm going to hcjc, *duhz*, so why am i so excited for?
Maybe its because of the sense of belonging?
But for the first three months? Perhaps not.. For the next 2 years i mean. ; p

Had a chain of chalets, got exposed to more of world's ugliness.. To think that underneath the smile lies a dagger.
A dagger smeared with DeaDly PoiSON.
So this is life.
Yet another chapter of life closes for me.
1 and a half more weeks before i step back to school in that uniform.
1 and a half more weeks back to enlightenment.
1 and a half more weeks to the end of monkhood. (4 YEARS in TCHS is DEATH)

Posted 12:32 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Telescope!
'Hope you haven't forgotten your childhood...
Astronomy...
=)

Posted 12:38 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
i've learnt my lesson.
I never realised all he wanted was some love from us, from dad, from mum.. from me...
I have to learn how to be a good brother before i can be a loving boyfriend.
It really stunned me, the way he said them, the look he had in his eyes.
He suddenly looked matured, just small in size.
Maybe i've wronged him.
He is as handsome and cute as my friends say he is.
I'm a failure, and only then when i learn to accept him will i be a successful person.
He is a human, and he shares my blood.
Yet i treat him so coldly.
Am i still human?
Will my sins ever be forgiven?
Now i understand.
Now i do.
This is the second path i embark on.
The road to brotherhood.
The road to being a better loving person.
-desolate

Posted 10:23 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Back from sis's chalet, rather eventful and enjoyable...
I have too much to tell, so much that this night wouldn't be enough for me to type everything down...
Guess i'll do it bit by bit, details by details..

First i'd like to write about my immediate feelings about this show 'liu xing hua yuan' by F4...
its a DAMN NICE show!!!
F4, i love ya faces man!
Really, this show about love, about the undefied forces of love, has really opened my eyes, and really cleansed my soul.
Every scenario is embedded so deeply into my memory, and i've learnt a lot from this show.
Too much, really too much for me to say it out, but i shall do it slowly...

So love isn't such a painful thing after all.

I'll update my blog on my feelings another time, have to turn in, my eyes are gonna pop out man...
19 cds in 2 days, wow... that's a freaking 20++ hours of staring away at the tv screen...
Nightz...
-desolate

Posted 8:32 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
ARgh!!!!!!

Received an sms from her saying that her com crashed, and probably would be down for 2 weeks???

*MY gawSh* i'll miss ya till my eyes pop out of my heAD!

I love you, i love you and i still love you... and dearie com, please get well soon so i can get to speak to the one i love??

- troubled

Posted 8:26 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Well, final update of the night, added links to my e-mail and icq...

I think it's good night, and with this, the night's ended.

And you still haven't appeared. I still miss you.

-desolate

Posted 7:25 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Hmmm... Yum yum.. just ate a macdonald's spicy sweet and sou sze chuan chicken burger...
Hot and spicy indeed!
Anyway, had some fun with my html editor, and this is the first version of my webby.
Stay tuned to the second version!!!!
-desolate

Posted 6:30 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Its 10.30 pm, why haven't you appeared?

I miss you already...

Posted 6:21 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
What a day, nothing much happened, nothing new at all.

Well, that damn sore throat just doesn't want to go away, so i might as well eat on it.

Six litres of water dear, how mUCh is six litres of water huh?

That amount is needed to prevent cramps tomorrow during marathon... *my goD*

If the night gets freakingly uneventful, i shall go to bed and yawn my way till 3 am when i will get up, bathe and take a damn cab to JURONG EAST STADIUM to embark on my 42km journey from tampines stadium to the PADANG.

To be exact, 42.195km. *LOL*

Wish me luck whoever manages to get hold of this website, i shall remember you forever!

With lots of carbohydrates, proteins and fats...
-desolate

Posted 7:43 PM by dE.SoL.AtE
*yAWnnnnnnzzzzzz*
Missed writing my blog yesterday as my good friend mingmao came over for the night.
Well, the word to describe yesterday is 'happening'.
In the morning, i played soccer with my classmates, only to end up walking away with my head hanging in sorrow.
To think that usually people fight with the opposite team, but this time my own teammates almost ended up fighting.
The twins and my good friend, chiang meng.
*SIGH*
Why don't people learn to give and take?
Why don't people understand that when one takes a step back, the other side of the argument would end?
Why don't people understand that THIS is the last match we might be playing FOREVER!
Why why why???
I'm utterly disappointed with their behaviours, to think that they have never cherished their friendship.

Well, after that was basketball, or not so mUCH of basketball as most of my time i spent it lying on the steps of the terrace.
Slept and got pretty bugged by the flies and ants, only to wake up an hour later to bathe and change.
*phEw, stANK pretty bad from the perspiration in the morning.

Then proceeded home with chiang meng, he wanted to come over and have his hair dyed.
So we did that, and after that we went over to fulun's house, yet another amazing yet incredibly lovable pal.

Played mahjong again, haha, Awww, i'm picking up mahjong u guys, watch out for ME!
Lost $2.50 in the end, not too bad for a beginner, having gamed with pretty lots of 'gang's and '2 tai's, and alMOST won with a 'man guang'
HAIz.

Oh yeah, yukai dislocated his forearm during training!
I wonder, if i was there during training, would that have happened??
Phoned him up and he sounded rather disappointed, which matched what he told me about how he felt about this.
Down memory lane, i thought i was rather disappointed when i fractured mine.
Yet again, i was sec 2, yukai's sec 3 now.
It'd most probably affect his performance in his last year, and i'm sure he's gonna be pretty beaten up by the fact that he is going to have to recuperate for like 3 months??

Life, the unexpected happens and leaves you struck and awed as you pick up the pieces.
The only way to go about life is to guess what's going to happen next.
Life's a game, the more u go about shunning it, the more it toys with you.
Face up to reality, do good, be good, and love with all your heart.