Posted 8:54 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Very seldom have i been able to blog instantaneously with my concurrent feelings still brewing..
This is the probably the second time.
Ok, let's make that once a blue moon then.

Anyway, things are really screwed up for me now.
I'm staring at an array of blue, pink, grey, yellow and brown colours.
Each reflecting an individual separate feeling from the other.
Its all mixed up and spinning and spinning.
Faster and faster..
There's my baby on one line, my coach online and my idiotic brother and screaming mother in the other room.
I'm GOING CRAZY!
As of now i'm officially berserk.

First there's this christian liar that steps into the raging house who doesn't practise what he preaches, and upon being asked abt the ten commandments, he blatantly says "thou shall not lie" and obviously has overridden that black and white rule..
Lying and lying, one after another, and another after another. The cycle ceases to end. And he indulges in his vigorous lying day after day, never failing to present one blatant lie to the faces of his relatives on a daily basis.
This house is a garbage dump, you'd say.
Its a pandora's of lies, adultery, confusion and arguments.
Never failing to strike up controversial issues on a daily basis, this is a family you'd never want on the other side of your walls.

And then there is the one creditor in my life whom i'm greatly indebted to. And hear the pink panther tune being radiated from the distance, and a message saying, "I'm online now.". One can only be more than grateful cos he who's been busy for a fortnight is finally here to chat. There're just so much to say and so little time to convey them.
And just when the updates gets going, the going gets updated.
Enters the silly junior into the chat.
Ambience turns from blue to yellow, to red to orange.
And totally cuts me off from what i wanna say. Irritating, you'd say.
So? Who cares? And then there enters yet another silly lad from the other end of singapore.
So now there's 2 silly lads, one creditor and a fairly dazed and purple solomon on the other end of the computer.
Since when did my msn turn into a garbage dump? A place where rubbish can be found, churned around and stinks the hell out of your minds.
Yes. There's totally an overload of gibberish on the screen and i simply cannot be bothered to be looking at them. Yes. Looking at them. Not reading.
Reading is the analysis of the writings that you see.
I'm just plain looking at them. No readings.
-takes a look at the other window-
Oh dear. More garbage. Filthy, filthy, filthy!
Yes i'm MIA(a.k.a Missing in action), and SO whaT!
I'm not in a cheery mood for such garbage.
Thanks a lot.

Buzzing around the room is this tiny creature we call the mosquito.
This tiny little thing has marked various spots on my body with its trademark red itchy swollen bump.
AND WAIT TILL I GRAB HOLD OF YOU! I'LL DISSECT YOU ALIVE YOU TINY BITCH!!!!!!!!!!
-note, mosquitoes that suck blood are females. hence correct terminologies are being applied here-

Ok, the night's just getting ever more exciting, i think i'm going to shut myself up and go to sleep.
Yes. I think i'll just go shoot myself in the head with a spear gun.
Poke the spear through my brains and floss them.
I'm g-o-i-n-g craze-e-e-e-e-e-eeeee.
As from now.....

Posted 8:04 AM by dE.SoL.AtE
Digged through my shelves, and found this.
"DIARY, DO NOT PROBE"
[==============may 25th 2000==================]
life sucks...love's cruel...love's blind...love begets love...why does my life suck such a great deal? just what is the meaning of life? life is just a game in my world. i play with luck, i play with choices, i play with love. when luck is out, i blame fate. when love is down, i blame life. and overall, life sucks again. currently, i am feeling down in love again. am i being paranoid? or is this a fact that i really am down in love? has my luck run out so fast? i fantasize forever love... eternal love... everlasting love... maybe i am moving too fast...i think i am. seriously speaking, i really dunno what my aim in life is. i think of my girlfriend everyday...i think of play, i think of songs.. i think of games... but why don't i think of work? has my life really come to a part where study is completely out? no, it definitely isn't out yet. i know it is still somewhere, but i can't get it to work. i see people with relationships come and go. i've been in and out of relationships too. the feeling of getting out of one is definitely not great, but getting into one can really change a lot of things. ningning once asked me if i know what love means. well, i dunno. she asked me if i was willing to lay my life down for her. when i do, that is love. do i feel the surge of love in me now? do i want to end my life for her? seriously speaking, i dunno! i badly want to get out of my tragedy. i want to escape, i am a coward...that's y i keep stressing i suck. i choose death. i think death will settle everything. at least thats what i think. maybe thats a wrong concept. i want to die but not for her? i will sacrifice anything for her... even my lousy life if needed. but in my option of death, i strongly believe is definitely not because of love. love is cruel.i've been hurt by the side effects of love. but is that love of infactuation? i really dunno... don't ask me why. there are many things to life, but why does my life only come around love? am i so desperate for love? what about family love? friendship love? frankly speaking here, its been a long long time since i've had these feelings. was it years ago? or a decade ago? i dunno.probably that turns me to my only love for my soul partner. or so called soul partner who doesnt confide in me some of her problems. has this problem got to do with her? maybe ... not.i'm not sure though. i think she is not committed enough, but analysing the situation, am i still too young to commit to a relationship? I HATE MYSELF. just when i want to have a nice long cry, i think of the reasons causing my paranoia. i realise i think too much. i think out of bounds. i over do things too early. i suck! i page her all day...without even hearing a faintest beep of my own pager. no reply. does that mean she isnt thinking of me? well, probably she is too busy to do so. she is lucky. she still has work in her mind. i dont. thats our MAIN DIFFERENCE. i think i shouldnt tell her about my results this term. they suck as badly as i do. i deproved ok! from a msg of 3.75 to 4.5! wad is that man! i think of ning ning too much everyday. ah uncle ah... u still depend on ur dad for survivor, so dun act big yet. OK! but, i really cant help myself! is that love? or is that foolishness? i said harold was a fool to break with ningning..do i mean it? well, i suppose half half. if they were still together, where would i stand? if he hadnt been an ass an broke the law, they would have still been together. harold did make a good choice to get out of a relationship at an early age before it got too deep into his life. clever soul. i'm the fool around here. to cover up my foolishness, i say i REALLY AM STUDYING!! hahaz.. yeah right. i do study, but, a little bit. ningning is so innocent and pure, i really trust her to a relationship. but, i trust her , yet i doubt her? what am i thinking?at times i really want to break down and cry. there can be days where she dun even page me at all, dun even call, dun even do anything. when that happens, i console myself by believing she's real real busy. i trust her deep enough to believe she really is busy and not doing other things.yet, though she's studying, does paging a simple 'HI' take that much time and strength and energy? that simple HI alone could work wonders, but its that Hard to page. its THAT hard. really.or maybe she is really so concentrated in her work and studying that she really threw me into the bin and totally forgot about me. thats good, she can concentrate. i cant. she has a bright future. am i ruining her future by instilling her with my stupid values and beliefs? what a fool i am. i only realise that now. there are surely happy and unhappy times in a relationship. i believe ALL relationships are like that. ALL , is that right?please tell me thats right. now she is so busy, and so out of place due to the stress. i think i shouldnt add to the burden by being so difficult.probably i should try to understand her MORE. and i do mean MORE. A LOT MORE THAN WHAT I AM DOING NOW. just now i paged her so many times and none replied. does this signify anything? i hope not. tomorrow is school day. hers is camp. 3 days. i am afraid she will come to realise that its actually ok to live without me or even 3 days. i am scared. see how cowardy i am? i suck dun i! i cant live without her... really...without her, my motivations would be gone...i would be just a rotting log. waiting for time and tide to pass, and all i do is rot away. i am so scared. i cant not have her..does she know that? does she know what i am thinking? i doubt so. if she does, probably i would get at least a 'HI' even if there is a major test the next day. am i asking for too much? i do , dont i. seriously speaking, i have the perfect way of loving someone in my mind. but come to think of it. u cant possibly listen to i love you twice a day for 365 days right? and if it is eternal love, and u are going to live to a hundred, how many i love yous would u expect to hear? 73000??? by then, the i love you would be meaning less. it would probably mean, HI, or gd nite~ or even how u do? maybe i shouldnt expect too much too. 73000 i love yous... thats definitely a lot. i really would be bored to death by them.so y am i still bothering abt the daily ignorance? Y Y Y Y!!!!! i dunno Y! i have to get used to it i suppose. that would be hard, but its worth a challenge. a challenge i dare not take up. haiz.... i SUCK... see y now? i think i better sleep now. sleeping would help me get my mind off my torment. gd nite sucker.

I really was disturbed was i. And now its a dream come true. Cherie my love. Indeed my love.